Making a Home

How to keep house with a chaotic assistant

When Foster was about six months old, I read the popular childrearing book Hunt, Gather, Parent.

I enjoyed it, both from a narrative perspective and for the advice it offered about raising kids: essentially, involve them in your everyday life rather than trying to sequester and/or endlessly entertain them.

I became (probably obnoxiously) evangelistic about it, because Foster was a classic easygoing, eager-to-please firstborn who loved to help me clean. Sure, my chores took a bit longer, but what else did I have to do? Why wasn’t everyone using this method?

And then came Sally.

Don’t get me wrong: Sally is the delight of my life, an angel baby, practically perfect in every way.

But if she wants to do something, she’s going to do it her way. And if she doesn’t want to do something, she’s going to throw herself on the floor and scream.

Agent of chaos, queen of my heart.

I’m actually thrilled about this, because — as a people-pleasing woman — I think girls have an easier time in life if they don’t mind telling people to shut up and shove it every once in a while.

But when I just want to clean the bathroom in the 15 minutes I have between breakfast/dog walks/school drop off/running errands/nap put-downs/etc. etc. etc., I begin to lament the burden that is raising a strong woman when that strong woman cannot yet understand logic and reason.

Below, a list of common chores and how difficult it is to complete them with Sally’s help. 0 is breaking up concrete; 10 is sliding a hot knife through butter.

Unloading the dishwasher: 6/10, on average. Drops to 2/10 if we used the cheese grater or a vegetable peeler or the kitchen shears the night before or if she comes up at the wrong angle and grabs a plate before I can get to her. She’s a flinger.

Putting away toys: 2/10. She is an absolute champ at playing independently. But she’s also the nosiest little aardvark you’ve ever seen, clomping over to investigate whenever I stand up and move to a different part of the room. My current method is to begin tidying one area to get her interested, then slink away somewhere else to silently and haphazardly throw toys into a basket while never taking my eyes off her. If she looks my way, I fling my hands down and smile nonchalantly. Who, me? I wasn’t cleaning up!

Folding laundry: 10/10, but only because I have made peace with the fact that I’ll just have to fold it twice. Same thing with switching the laundry: If I accept the idea that I will need to put the wet items in the dryer again after she pulls them all out, it’s a simple task. (This took a lot of therapy.)

Grocery shopping: 5/10. If she is allowed to a) put my purse around her neck; b) chew on some item while we shop;¹ or c) charm someone on every aisle, acquiring food works fine. If not? Just get the milk² and leave, mama.

Vacuuming: 7/10 if she isn’t scared of the vacuum cleaner that day. 3/10 if she’s in a cord-biting mood. -4/10 if she’s clingy because the girl is chunky³ and it’s hard to carry her while pushing a vacuum cleaner.

Cleaning a bathroom: 0/10. She digs in the trash can. She slams her fingers in the toilet lid. She sticks her hand in the toilet water. She shreds the toilet paper. She chews on the rags. She tries to put the nozzle of the cleaner spray bottle in her mouth. And she’s got some bath PTSD from an unfortunate diaper rash-related bathtime incident, so I can’t even stick her in the tub and clean the mirror/sink/toilet while she plays like I did when Foster was little. No, bathing her is a full-body contact sport that can be done solo but would really be better if you had at least two people. Maybe even three.

1. So far this month, she’s chewed holes in a box of parchment paper and a box of eyedrops and gobbled a significant portion off a clothing tag.

2. We bought our new house in large part because it has a garage where we could get a garage fridge to store the multiple gallons of milk we go through a week. Kidding, but only kind of.

3. I am not body shaming. I am stating facts! She turns one this week and she is already in 18 months to 2T clothes!