When a Hillbilly Texts You

Siri heard that as "heeyulbeeyullee"

My dad is a huge fan of voice texting. I don’t think he types any of his text messages, actually; just fires up Siri and gets to talking. 

There’s just one problem. 

My dad sounds like cornbread would sound if it could talk. 

Please understand that this is not me throwing shade. Frankly, I can’t. If my dad’s accent is cornbread from your mamaw’s house, mine is cornbread from your favorite barbecue joint – still good, just not as strong. 

This metaphor is getting away from me. Let’s just say it plainly: We sound like hillbillies. (We are hillbillies: Dan from the actual foothills of the Appalachians, me a child mimic who developed an East Tennessee accent despite having never lived there.) 

So, despite Dan’s deep commitment to the talk-to-text lifestyle, Siri only understands him half the time. 

I found this hilarious. And then I got an Apple Watch. And I started voice texting.

Pot, meet cast iron skillet. 

A sampling, starting with Dan, because his are funnier:

He probably actually said “tuhmaytuh,” but this is Siri writing dialect, not Zora Neale Hurston.

This was about a book I was reading. I don’t recommend it.

Zeb was recovering from a copperhead bite when Dan wrote this, but that’s a story for another day.

Dog with vegetables should be …. actually, I’m not going to tell you what it should be. Choose your own adventure.

I stand by this.

This was all fun and games until Siri turned on me like a bad hot dog¹.

I am what you’d politely call a power user of Apple’s Reminders app. (Impolitely, you’d call me obsessed.) I set reminders for everything, typically using Siri on my watch to add to my list when a task pops into my head.

Also known as the eye doctor. Or the ahhhh doctor.

You know, the bug gahhhhh.

But the texts get even worse. Listen, I get that Siri can’t pick up on the nuances of spelling in names (she’s never gotten the mouthful that is “Pressley Frevert” right on the first try), but “are” for “I”? Am I a pirate?!

And sometimes it’s just gross:

Hot tip: The local world-class pizza I’m referencing would be the one and only Pizzeria Toro in Durham.

I don’t expect a robot in my phone to understand a Southern accent. Listen, I’ve known my husband for almost a decade now and he still stops and squints at me occasionally, not exactly sure what I’m saying.

Apple’s engineers will catch up at some point. Until then, Dan will continue to send me gems like this:

SIRI, CALL ROBERTA. I’VE GOT TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS FRAGRANT AVEDA!

1. This is a reference for Dan and Dan alone. Love you, Pop.